In response to a statement beginning “One should forgive, under any injury,” which is apparently from the the Mahabharata.
Directed at self or others, “shoulds” give me pause. “Don’t should on yourself” is one of the phrases I’ve picked up in my NVC training.
And, may we remember that we arrive at the spacious sweetness of forgiveness not by will, but by grace.
In dedication to attaining forgiveness, let us will to do the work that paves the way for the grace of forgiveness. This means cultivating—among other qualities—acceptance, love, compassion, equanimity, and understanding of the interconnectedness of things and causes.
And, while we do that work, may we let go of our expectations and judgments of ourselves regarding forgiveness. No “If I were a better/more aware/whatever person, I’d have forgiven already.” No pushing self or others for forgiveness. No “I should…” No premature gestures or vows of forgiveness where forgiveness has not fully been given.
In making space for tender awareness and acceptance of having not yet forgiven, while simultaneously earnestly desiring to forgive, we make space for the grace of forgiveness to shift everything.
It’s not black and white. It never is.
Will is involved in forgiveness. If you don’t want to forgive, you probably never will. But the task is not finished just because you decide you really want to forgive. There is so much to own, hold, surrender to, and let go of before the process organically occurs. Beating yourself up over having not yet forgiven doesn’t much help you with that necessary work.
(And it’s important to remember that the first person—and often the hardest person—to forgive is ourselves.)